“I’ve Never Done This Before,” Says Every Girl Who Has
A recent university double-blind study has confirmed every dude’s inherent fear: that she has done this before even though she may say otherwise.
“These are not the results we were hoping for,” said Dr. Caleb Grayson, the chief scientist behind the study. “I mean, we always could have kind of guessed that maybe she’s done this before, but we don’t want to think about it, so if she says that she’s never done this before, we won’t question it.”
Sadly, however, given the unbiased reports on the study that penetrated deep into the colloquialism, ‘I’ve never done this before,’ it is found to be an unequivocal lie. “No matter the circumstances or the manner in which ‘this’ is done, she’s lying if she says she’s never done it.”
Such manners in which “this” is done may include but is not limited to: whips, chains, whistles, yo-yos, a red egg of silly putty, the raw side of a pancake, a 9-volt battery, glow sticks, a Teddy Ruxpin bear, and a touch of Gallium.
“If you have the means, ‘this’ may also involve circus midgets with floppy shoes,” stated Dr. Grayson, “but only for those who are really experienced, which, trust me, she is.”
In an attempt to save future frustrations, Dr. Grayson recommends the following: “It doesn’t matter who she’s done this with before because she’s doing it with you now, and that’s what’s important. It will only drive you crazy to think about who she’s done this with before; even though you’re pretty sure it was that douchebag ex-boyfriend Tony who wears his hat backwards and only shaves his face every 4 days or so. What does he do for a living, anyway? Like, hang-gliding? Is that a job? How does someone get paid to hang-glide? Oh, this fucking guy Tony. Remember when you accidentally ran into him at the mall when you and she went shopping? God, he was such a fucking tool! You shook his artificially-tanned hand and he called you ‘bro,’ and you just wanted to slap that community college hat off his stupid fucking head. Gah! TONY!”
So, is it possible to actually meet a girl who has not done this before? Yes. “If a girl truly has not done this before,” said Dr. Grayson while taking calming breaths, “she will not say ‘I’ve never done this before,’ but something more along the lines of, ‘What are you doing, you sick pervert? Get those circus midgets out of here! What’s that in your hand? Is that Gallium?’”
Given the recent light that has been shed upon this once shadowy statement, an amendment will most likely be made in the female community. A possible example may be, “I’ve never done this before. Seriously.” Which, of course, we will happily believe.
This article first appeared in News Cult
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