neil clark warren

Neil Clark Warren, welcome to your interview!

Thank you very much, Michael. How are you today?

 

I’m doing quite well. A little exhausted from Christmas decorating, but I’m sure I’m not alone.

Exhausted? I only see one string of colored lights plugged into the wall.

 

I know. Pretty, right?

Well, they’re just lying on the floor…

 

I don’t want to sound too crazy, Neil Clark Warren, but in actuality I’ve had this place decorated for Christmas since Halloween. But don’t tell, okay? Don’t tell anybody that.

Your secret’s safe with me, Michael.

 

I knew I could trust you, Neil Clark Warren, founder of Eharmony. I imagine that your dating site is probably booming this time of year, what with the high rate of suicides in December and all.

Truthfully, the high rate of suicide in December is a myth. It is actually lowest in December. The highest suicide rates are in the spring and the fall.

 

Haha, c’mon Neil, what’re doing? You’re hurting my line of questioning here. I was just curious about how many people try your website in a last-ditch effort to feign off that gnawing hunger of seasonal suicide.

I certainly hope people aren’t doing that, Michael. That sounds terrible! Our website has a very high success rate. In fact, we are responsible for over 600,000 marriages and counting!

 

Wow, that is a lot! And what percentage of those 600,000 marriages gracefully mature themselves into murder/suicides?

Michael, what’s wrong? This doesn’t sound like you. Your interviews are never this dark.

 

I’m sorry, Neil. It’s this single living that’s getting to me a bit. I guess I’m a little depressed over the nagging loneliness that gets more and more persistent with each day that passes.

Have you been meeting people or going out on any dates…?

 

Yeah, well, no, kinda… I mean, I got stood up for a date last week.

(sharp inhale) Michael, I’m sorry to hear that.

 

Yeah, I was pretty amped about it, but she never showed. Never answered her phone, nothing. I sat there at that Arby’s booth for 2 hours like a dope.

That does sound odd. Did you do anything out of the ordinary leading up to the date?

 

No! I played everything cool. I was funny and charming on the phone. I was relaxed. I asked her about her favorite sexual positions and whether or not her parents made a lot of money. And if she didn’t answer, I left very polite voicemails where I breathed heavily into the phone for about 6 minutes. Standard stuff, really.

Michael, I can’t tell if you’re joking, ummm… maybe it was nothing on your end, maybe she got cold feet or something happened in her personal life and she didn’t have the courage to tell you so she just never got back to you.

 

Perhaps I was at the wrong Arby’s. Hey! Do you think maybe she died? I’d feel so relieved if she were dead. Because, I mean, how else could a girl pass up on this, ya know?

Yeah…or maybe it just wasn’t a good fit.

 

Yeah… speaking of good fits, I see that your website isn’t just about matching up white single Christians anymore.

Yes, that is very true. Since we have over 20 million registered users, the eHarmony member base is an ethnically, racially, and religiously diverse group, and we are all looking to find that special someone.

 

Neil, I couldn’t have said it better if I cut and pasted that from your website. Let’s see what you got here: you got Jews, Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, and people over 30. I had no idea that people over 30 were a minority.

Well, there are certain ideals and goals a person in their 30’s has that someone in their 20’s won’t, you understand.

 

I suppose so. But maybe the next time I get pulled over by a cop I will ask him, “Is this because I’m over 30?”

 

I also understand that in 2008 you were ordered by the state of New Jersey to open your website to gay couples.

Yes, that is true, otherwise we would have lost all of our business in New Jersey.

 

I thought the homosexual community already had a dating site. It was called, “The Park After Midnight.” Boom! C’mon, Neil! High-five.

I don’t think that’s very funny, Michael. That incident in 2008 was very volatile to our workforce. Many right-wing Christians were upset with us and threatened our lives on a daily basis.

 

Sounds pretty Christian to me.

I have said publicly that we should put up 10 million dollars and other companies should do the same so that we can figure out homosexuality.

 

Wow, that is an interesting, actual quote from you, Neil. “Figure out homosexuality.” Now, I don’t have 10 million dollars, but I do have a Rubik’s cube and I have been trying to figure this thing out for months. It’s been boggling my mind day and night.

Oh, those things are easy to figure out.

 

You think so?

Yeah, just peel off the stickers and put them back together so that each side makes a solid color. That’s how you solve a Rubik’s cube.

 

Of course! How silly of me. Thank you very much, Neil. Do you think maybe I could join your website in the hopes of finding happiness?

Yes, yes of course you can, Michael!

 

One little caveat, um…I don’t have any money.

Then no, I’m sorry, you can’t find happiness.

 

Yeah, that’s okay; I’m used to it. Neil Clark Warren, everyone.

 

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