In Preparation of Snowstorm, Citizens Go Out For Eggs, Cannibalism
As a major winter storm was heading towards the east coast, citizens ventured to their nearest grocery stores in hopes of stocking up on foodstuffs, which typically turned into violent bloodshed and cannibalism.
The National Weather Service issued a “Winter Storm Warning” Friday afternoon which caused people to leave work early and go to the store. “You don’t take winter storm warnings lightly,” said Steve Swanson, 35, of Doylestown, Pa. “As a snow plow driver, I knew I had to clock out and get to the store. No way was I going to leave my house this weekend.”
At O’Neil’s Grocery Store, the checkout lines accumulated rapidly. Said O’Neil’s salesclerk Natalie Brundle of the situation, “Everything was running normally, as far as winter storm warnings go. The lines were long, sure, but at least everyone was patient; that is, until, the Weather Service declared a ‘Winter Storm Watch.’ After that, it was every man, woman, and child for themselves.”
It’s true. At 4:00 p.m. EST, The National Weather Service upgraded the “Storm Warning” to a “Storm Watch”. Panic filled the aisles. Swanson eye-witnessed the carnage. “You could tell something was goin’ on,” he reported. “Word spread from the registers and down the line, and tension filled the air. Next thing you know, I took a bite out of this woman’s leg in front of me.”
Swanson wasn’t the only one. In aisle 4, a middle aged woman was torn to shreds by Salvation Army Volunteers who were preparing for a weekend camping trip. “I don’t really know what came over us,” said one of the volunteers, who wished to remain anonymous, “just thinking that I could be spending up to 12 hours inside my house with my wife and kids got me all worked up, and…I don’t know, I just—wanted to eat somebody.”
The death toll has been estimated in the hundreds all down the east coast, with many more severely maimed, which is no more than usual during a “Winter Storm Watch.” “It could have been worse,” said Brundle, who was at register number 5 during the melee. “It’s just a shame for all the unsuspecting people who thought it was safe to go out because it was a ‘Winter Storm Warning,’ and as soon as it got upgraded, they didn’t stand a chance; especially the children.”