Hey, what happened? I saw that douchebag at the end of the bar was trying to start some shit with you. Did he want to kick your ass? What happened? Man, if that were me, I would have told him to go outside with me so I could beat the shit out of him. That’s what I would have done.

I can’t believe I was in the bathroom while all this happened! Man, I wish I was there when it all went down. I would have been like, “The fuck you want, bro?” And then BAM! I would have hit him right in the nose with this hard fist of mine, followed swiftly by a glass bottle over his head.

If I were you, I would have been so much braver than I actually am because we’re dealing in hypotheticals that we can’t possibly replicate, and let me tell you, in this hypothetical of nearly getting into a fistfight, I am a total fucking badass, yeah!!

In my head, I’m so fucking cool; I feel like I would have acted more like Bruce Willis from The Last Boy Scout or  Chili Palmer from Get Shorty; not raising my voice at all, just taking it nice and easy while I coolly kick some ass.

joehallenbeck chilipalmer

Gah, of all the times to take a 20-minute piss!

So, the guy wanted to take things outside? Really? If that were me, ok? Let me tell you what I would have done if that were me because you didn’t ask me at all. If that were me I would have said, “Okay, let’s go—ladies first.” He would have had no comeback for that. Then I would have taken care of business, and his friends would have been standing around all dumbfounded like, “Aw, dude, you totally kicked the shit out of our toughest friend!”

Then I probably would have fucked the guy’s wife.

Dude, I was in the bathroom for 20 minutes; I played this out thoroughly. It’s a shame I missed all of it. What’s that? “Why don’t I tell him all this myself?” That is an excellent question. Well, because the moment has passed. It’s a shame too, because you could have seen how tough I am and how I don’t take shit from anyone, especially when I am not even there to not do it, know what I mean?

…He’s still outside? Seriously? What do you mean he’s waiting for us? Us? When did I become a part of this? He wants to kick your ass, not mine. Damn, he looks ripped. Is that an 8-pack of abs? Who has an 8-pack? 8?? I thought it only went up to 6! That’s so fucked up! Okay, okay, tell you what: why don’t you go out there and get things started, I gotta take a quick dump. But I’ll be out in just a minute, okay? Tell him I can’t wait to fuck his wife later.


If you were me, then I’d be you! And I’d use your body to download this free e-book of essays by the author of this article. You can’t stop me no matter who you are!