Last week, I came across an oldies television station playing shows like The Waltons, Get Smart, and Little House on the Prairie, not to mention a show that I am sure we are all familiar with: Leave it to Beaver. I left my phone off the receiver and stayed glued to my crusty futon for the next 13 hours.

They were having a marathon of Leave it to Beaver, you see. And as I was ROFL-ing, I nearly passed out from L-ing-MAO. Before I passed out, however, I wondered if Jerry Mathers got a lot of action back in the day.

He must have, right? I mean, he was on television. And not only was he on television, he was on arguably the greatest show ever conceived and executed. But I can see where it might seem strange to think of him getting panties thrown at him; he was, like, 9 years old when the show started. He was a pretty cute kid, though.


Yeah, but…9 years old, dude.

Okay, here’s a compromise: if he got panties thrown at him, they were probably by other 9 year old girls. That sounds reasonable, right?

However, it was a pretty wholesome show. Beaver wasn’t really a bad-ass or a conflicted character. He was just a dumb boy who didn’t know anything. That can’t be all too appealing to women. And he said, “Gee,” a lot. “Gee, Wally, I didn’t know…” or “Gee, Mom, that sure sounds swell.”

Christ, when he asked his mother for a snack, he was heading toward the apples.

Do women find that attractive? Don’t girls that age really want the “bad-boy” type? For instance, Dennis the Menace–there is no question that that kid was getting laid left and right. His masculinity is secure. With that slingshot in his pocket, he must have gotten some crazy pussy. Women love that bad-boy stuff. Wherever he lay his slingshot at night, you can be rest-assured that it was on top of a pile of silky panties. Hell, he probably used that slingshot bit well into his late 30’s.

But what about the Beaver? If anything, girls must have wanted to take him to the dance and then go make-out with Eddie the schemester in the back of the gym. At best, okay? At best, he was introduced to the girl’s parents as a front to the real boyfriend who was camped out in the back seat of the car, ready to make out with the girl as soon as they got in the car. Poor guy probably wasn’t even allowed to look in the rear-view mirror while it was going on in the backseat.

Gah, this is driving me insane!

Well, after looking at his biography here, I see that he has been married 3 times, which is three times more than I ever have been. So out of those three marriages, I think it is safe to say that he has gotten laid at least once, which is nearly two times more than the guy who is writing this article. So Jerry, I suppose, is a player. Just as I suspected.

Shucks. I need an apple.


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