“I Just Love This Snow,” Reports Guy With Blood Coming Out of His Ear
Phila, PA— In what has been considered the worst winter in decades, nearly everyone on the east coast is tired of the accumulating snow fall. Everyone, that is, except Joe Suggins, who appears to be bleeding out of his right ear. “I just love this snow,” exclaimed Suggins, 29, of Philadelphia’s South Side. “I love shoveling and the wind chills below 0 degrees Farenheit…it’s all just so much fun!” The blood, which has been slowly extracting itself from Suggins’s right ear for an undetermined amount of time, is of a deep arterial red and has made its way to his upper-neck area. It can only be concluded that Suggins’s ear-blood and his welcoming embrace to the bitter weather are tied together. When asked, most nearly all the residents who were polled had responded the same way: they were sick of the cold and the snow and were eagerly awaiting the arrival of spring. “It really is too much snow,” said Greg Chalmers, 42. “I drive a plow truck and have been making a killing out there, and even I can’t stand the sight of this fucking snow anymore.” “…And you can make snowmen and ride a sled and drink cocoa and get out of school,” reported Suggins, who is currently unemployed. “And you can walk door to door and make money shoveling.” The flow of blood from Suggins’s ear has temporarily stopped but only because it froze solid to his neck.