I Believe This Book You Lent Me Has Spent Some Considerable Time in Your Bathroom
That should have been the first clue that I was handling something soaked in your own waste: the frayed pages. The upper right corner especially was peeled back and aged something awful, despite the fact that the book was published nary a year ago. And the cover—my god, the cover was peeled back so far I couldn’t even make out the title. Optimistically, I thought it might have been due to frequent usage. “He sure does like opening this book,” I hoped.
But the further I went along with my reading, the less I could ignore the telltale signs, starting with the prematurely-aged pages. They could only be produced in an environment of rapid moisture and quick evaporation. Last I checked, we do not live in Canberra. But do you know what weather system is similar to that of the Australian coastline? That’s right—your shitter.
My theory was only strengthened when I analyzed some stained liquid droplets starting with the title page. They are much too defined and disheartening to be from a wisp of water vapor; no, no, no. Water evaporates. Water that is laced with ammonia stains. These pages are stained.
Our friendship is stained.
I didn’t want to believe it. “I’ve known him for years,” I thought. “Why would he do this to me?” And then I opened up to page 45 and saw the pubic hair. How I wished it was only an eyelash, then lo and behold only 10 pages later I came across my first tuft of wiry hairs. The first of many tufts in my journey to the end of this novel. T’were I to discover said tuft in my lobster tail, I would promptly return it; no if’s, and’s, or but’s!
All complaints aside, looking at all these tufts, you should seriously see someone about that.
Do you remember what you said to me? You said, “This is the best book I ever read.” Do you remember that?You looked me dead in the eye and said that. Best book you ever read? Sadly, no. First off, weak plot, unsympathetic characters, and piss droplets. What books have you been reading? I would hazard a guess and assume that most of your library at home consists of Dr. Seuss books and various adventures of Babar.
Gah, to think of all the times I held that book and then itched my eye!
Oh, and another thing: “Defines our generation”? What are you saying about our generation? That we’re constipated? Constipated for change? Shut the fuck up. The next time I see you, I will recommend a book to you and promptly shove your head in my toilet.
Would you care for a free book of essays by the author of this article? Simply click here