How to get a job
Dr. Remedy’s Column of Cures
Dr. Remedy | Vondrook Advice Columnist
Hi doctor remedy,
I was laid off recently and have been having some serious trouble finding a job. I’ve read all the advice columns and tips for getting hired, and I’ve done everything they say! I’ve been to six different interviews and I make decent eye contact, I smile, I give a firm handshake, and I even send a post-interview thank you note. Nothing seems to work! What’s the remedy?
Dear Help Wanted,
Do you see how I capitalized your name there? You could stand to learn a thing or two about proper nouns. People don’t appreciate when you neglect to capitalize their name in a formal letter… I don’t appreciate when you neglect to capitalize my name in a formal letter. Work on that. Moving on…
Let’s start with your tone. You’re whining a lot in this letter. Don’t whine. People hate that. Fortunately (for you), I’m an advice columnist so I am here to help. You say you’ve followed all the tips on how to get a job. Well, that’s your problem right there. You think you’re the only one who reads those tips? Grow up! You need to find a way to separate yourself from the pack of mindless sheep (like you) who all do the same exact things. Let’s go through the list you’ve laid out in your whiney letter.
First, we have the eye contact. Everybody is giving decent eye contact nowadays. Stand out! Open your eyes as wide as you can and lean forward the whole time, staring into the interviewer’s face. If there is more than one interviewer, frantically switch back and forth, staring at each of them in this manner. Practice at home, because your eyes will dry out but you want to blink as little as possible. Then comes the smiling. Are you going to start your job by being a suck-up? Keep that mouth sealed. Curl your upper lip every once-in-a-while like you’re about to attack so he knows you mean business (and that you’d be a great addition to his!) Now, the handshake. This one is important because it is good advice for everyday life. Don’t stop at “firm” when shaking somebody’s hand. Squeeze as hard as you possibly can. Don’t worry about the involuntary faces and noises you make as you exert yourself, this just shows how serious you are. If firm is good, overpowering is great! Now comes the follow-up letter. Do you want to thank your interviewer for talking to you, or do you want to get the job? Instead of “thank you,” say “you’re welcome!” And don’t be afraid to add a few veiled threats both while you’re in there and later on (possibly in the parking lot). They think they have all the power, but your “Give me the job, or else” follow-up letter will show them otherwise! Just make sure you capitalize their name.