Bed bugs are a tricky parasite. They are small, difficult to kill, and can live a long time between feedings (up to 300 days). What can you do as a host to rid yourself of this pesky, troublesome species?

Do You Have Bedbugs?

By simply clicking on this article you have convinced yourself that yes, you most definitely have bedbugs and that you are gross and disgusting and you will never date anybody ever because look at you.

*This same type of research also is useful for diagnosing yourself with diabetes and herpes.

Is it Truly a Bedbug?

Sometimes bedbugs can be mistaken for other parasites such as fleas or ticks. Upon closer examination, if you do indeed have fleas and ticks infesting your home as well, start the process over by killing yourself.

Bedbug Tips and Tricks

Now that you’ve properly convinced yourself that your life is over, here’s what you can do to treat a bedbug infestation and prevent further outbreaks of your disgusting, filthy lifestyle. And maybe, when this is all over, you’ll come to the realization that you, yes you, are the real parasite.


  • Panic


  • Immediately reach for the spray can. If you are worried about the effectiveness of the pesticide, even the weakest of insecticides become wonderfully potent when you put a match in front of the spray.


  • Bedbugs love clutter and are drawn to human excrement and filth. So, as a preventative measure, before you go to sleep each night, turn off Dancing With the Stars


  • Don’t start naming them! If you start naming them you’ll grow attached to them and never let go


  • Oh, god. What if one of the bedbugs gets in your ear while you sleep? Oh, my god! Oh, my god that’s so gross! (stamping feet with disgust) Ewwwwwwwwwww!!!!


  • Your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend will accuse you of giving her bedbugs. Quickly try to accuse the whole thing back on her and tell all your friends that she gave you bedbugs because fuck it. (See also: dysentery, crabs, athlete’s foot)


  • Kill them with hot love. Hot-box those little critters with a black garbage bag around your mattress and let them simmer to a temperature above 113 degrees. Rigorously shake then serve.


  • A thorough vacuuming can get rid of some of the bedbugs, but honestly, if you’re in this situation to begin with, you’re not the type of hoity-toity trust-fund kid to have a vacuum cleaner in the first place. I mean, who do they think you are? Mark Zuckerberg?


  • Starvation. You can use special sheets to encase the little guys in the mattress and prevent them from getting to you at night while you sleep. Leave the encasements on for one year. As a bonus, you will also break the record for most days and nights spent awake by any human which will be one year.


  • Accept the bedbugs for who they are and don’t try changing them just because you feel insecure


  • Name the big one “Bitey.”


Why not read your new bedbug friends some funny essays by the author of this article? Download the FREE E-Book by clicking here