In An Effort To Save Advertisement Dollars, the Corporate Executive Submits to Writer’s Digest

My wife and I, we lead busy lives. Like most modern families, we are a two income household, so you can imagine how stressful our days can be. I am some kind of middle-management something or other and my wife, she um, well, she wears a lady-suit. Gray, usually. With small shoulder pads.

We hustle and bustle through our workday, putting out fires and stuff, so when we both get home after handling all sorts of stressful workday stuff, then deciding who is going to make what for dinner? Well, why don’t you just give us each a loaded gun? That’s how dangerous it is.

The weekday dinner is where everything that is wrong in our marriage comes to a head. The mutual stresses of both our days coalesce as we decide what to do to feed ourselves. My wife and I, we come home at the same time and the house is in a whirlwind of chaos. Both our children, 14 year old Cody and 12 year old Skylar have been running rampant throughout the house, lampshades crooked, shedding uneven light on the living room, our family portraits hanging askew on the walls. Cody goes cruising about the house on his skateboard sipping on a juice box while Skylar jumps rope around the dining room table, knocking over various knick-knacks that my wife collected during our many weekends spent thrift shopping in various cozy towns.

My wife and I, while all this is going on, we’re supposed to not only corral our children, but also supply dinner? Are you crazy?

My wife and I, while all this is going on, we just scream at each other back and forth. “Well, what about spaghetti??” one of us would shout at one end of the kitchen.

“Spaghetti?” the other would shout back. “You impotent ass! How can we be expected to make spaghetti?? Spaghetti? Where do you even start with that??”

And so on and so forth.

Usually what ends up happening is that by 7:00 we are holding each other in the middle of the kitchen just crying our eyes out. The family and I go to sleep unfed. That’s most nights.

But now, thanks to DOMINO’S 2 for 1 Medium Pizza Deal (limit one topping)…Wait, hold on, I’m getting ahead of myself. I haven’t reached the word count yet.

Cody was hit by a bus.

It wasn’t something that we were planning on, nor were we expecting it to be the greatest thing to ever happen to our marriage. My wife and I were doing our usual thing about dinner (I think our argument was about fish sticks, not spaghetti), and Cody did his usual thing, streaming through the kitchen on his skateboard, sipping on a juice-box. We could have told him to stop and sit down, but we didn’t.

You can’t stop Cody. He’s a free spirit and we are proud of him for that.

So a moment after Cody cruised through the kitchen we heard a loud screech of an automobile’s brakes followed by a wet smack.

Cody got creamed.

Later, in the hospital, the doctor was telling us that a coma can last anywhere from a day to several years.

We spent many nights in that hospital, waiting, hoping. My wife refused to speak with me, citing that if I had simply made dinner and not put up an argument with her, Cody would have been sitting on the dining room table eating a hastily prepared meal instead of lying like a mangled heap in a hospital bed.

I couldn’t argue with her. I’m a modern man unable to feed my family.

Until that is…

One Wednesday night, two weeks into Cody’s free-spirited coma, I arrived in the hospital room holding two medium DOMINO’S pizzas. The setting sunlight casted a beautiful orange light on the blue and red boxes of pizzas, the grease spots, like a teenager’s face, created a beautifully sexy sheen. My wife looked at me longingly as I held my bounteous feast.

“What—whatcha got there?” she asked, letting go of Cody’s limp hand and walking towards me.

“I have two medium DOMINO’S pizzas.”

“Two,” she asked me. Her voice about to raise, ready for an argument.

“I saw an advertisement on television,” I told her. “Their C.E.O., Patrick Doyle, said that it’s still tough out there financially, and that people are in need of a good deal, so he is offering a medium pizza two for one deal (limit one topping) on Wednesdays after 4:00 p.m.”

She leaned in close and whispered, “Patrick Doyle. Can you trust him?”dominoes patrickdoyle

I whispered back in her ear, “I trust him more than I trust myself. How would you like a slice of DOMINO’S pizza?” I barely got the second sentence out before we started kissing. Our passion was so overwhelming, we made love right there on the hospital room floor. I think I heard Skylar’s jump rope hit the floor, but I can’t be sure. Like I said, it was a transcending meal/love-making session.

We used to have a strained marriage, but now, thanks to DOMINO’S 2 for 1 medium pizza deal (limit one topping), we can now feel assured in the fact that even with our busy lives, we can still provide for our family.

Cody is still touch and go or something. Avoid the Noid.

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