Thanks to the latest in 21st century home-security technology, almost anyone can see nothing happen at their homes all day while they waste away at work.

The HomeMonitor device allows any person with a home and a bowel movement to look at their patio while they take a shit at work. It’s remarkably easy design syncs your home cameras to your iPhone so that when you have to blast one out in the far handicap stall, away from prying eyes, you can peek into your own life and see your house not getting robbed. Remember just 3 days ago, when there were a couple of people standing on that patio while you cooked up some hotdogs? That was nice. And that’s the kind of security and peace of mind only HomeMonitor can provide.

HomeMonitor cameras can be set up wherever you choose, not just your patio where some people stood around on Saturday while you cooked up some hot dogs, which, if you recall, was a nice time. You can also place one outside of your front door or even your living room so that you can constantly monitor the nothing that happens all day long while you work out that bean burrito you knew you were going to regret because you bought it out of the back of some guy’s truck. Was that a refried bean burrito? You bet your ass it was! Quick! If you hurry, you can squat on the bowl for 25 minutes and maybe you’ll be able to see your dog lick his nuts on your couch that’s 18 miles away.

What an age we’re living in!

HomeMonitor appeals to the very specific demographic of upper-middle class Caucasian who live in just the right amount of fear where they will pay any amount to protect them from the things they are conditioned to fear—namely the blacks and Mexicans. Turn on the 6:00 news and tell me you don’t need HomeMonitor; I dare you.

See? They all want your stuff!!

HomeMonitor: Your poop breaks at work will never be the same.


This article originally appeared on News Cult

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