Heidi Montag Commits Suicide to Advance Her Career
Furious Kelly – Vondrook Contributor
Hollywood CA – Of all the celebrity deaths that have taken place recently, none was more anticipated than Heidi Montag’s. The 25 year old starlet was found face down in her apartment on Friday morning after having swallowed mass quantities of Drāno, apparently on advice from her agent.
“I think this is a great step forward for her career,” says Montag’s agent Doug Freeman. “The plastic surgery thing only had a shelf life of about three weeks. Celebrity deaths are in now. I mean, look what it did for Heath Ledger. I smell People’s Choice Award.”
Her fiancé, Spencer Pratt could not be reached for comment having been up all night being awesome.
The police report states that Montag had repeatedly failed to electrocute herself in the shower, not understanding that it only works when the blow-dryer is plugged in. She then drank from a bottle of Drāno left out by her maid.
Forensic reports indicate that Montag lurched forward, vomiting the meager contents of her stomach onto her dress. Feeling the steady, cruel burn of the Drāno eating her insides, she attempted to prop herself on the bed hoping to be discovered in a sexy pose. Instead, she started to convulse, vomiting onto the covers and then lost all control of her bowels.
She reached for her iPhone to update her twitter feed only to collapse on the floor, shitting and vomiting the remains of her shriveled intestines. In her last moments of life she texted her one time friend Lauren Conrad saying, “You’re a real bitch for hating Spencer!!!” Montag then lost consciousness face down in a pool of her own filth.
Lauren Conrad was flabbergasted at the news. “I cannot believe she would go behind my back and pull some crap like this. She knew I wanted to kill myself first. What a bitch.” Conrad’s publicist is expected to announce Conrad’s suicide plans any day now.
Montag leaves behind a fiancé and a facebook fan page. Pratt has reportedly signed the release forms to do a photo shoot with the corpse later this week.