Kansas City, MO– The greeting card company, Hallmark, performed a detailed survey last week and concluded thatarbor day until Friday, April 25th, arborists have the most difficult, unappreciated jobs in the country. And from April 26th until May 11, Mother’s will have the most difficult, unappreciated jobs in the country.

“This has nothing to do with Arbor Day being the lowest sales holiday for our greeting cards,” said Hallmark CEO Donald Hall Jr. “We are simply stating a fact that arborists do not receive enough letters or, say, greeting cards in the mail to tell them that we appreciate what they do for a living.”

Arbor Day is Friday April 25th of this year. “That is a complete coincidence,” said Hall. “Totally, irrefutably coincidental that we performed this study a week from Arbor Day. I am sure most can agree that we do not know what an arborist does, but it’s got to be difficult.¬†Do you have any idea what your arborist did for you? All the sacrifices that he or she made to make your life a good one? They gave up their bright future for you, the least you could do is send them a goddamn card. A Hallmark card, preferably.”

This Vondrook reporter tried researching Arbor Day, but got really tired at the thought of it. Something to do with boats? No, wait, that’s Harbor. Arbor? Fuck me, I don’t know.

“Send a card to your favorite arborist,” urged Hall. “After all, do you have any idea how many trees we¬†slaughter to make Arbor Day cards? If I knew what the hell an arborist does, I could say whether or not this whole thing is ironic, but I couldn’t tell you. But know this: buy your cards quickly and by the pound. Arbor Day is only a week away, then we have to perform another study.”

 

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