Tulsa, OK- Kyle Spalding came into work at Hasty Furniture Assembly this morning wearing a brand new, brightly-colored shirt his wife picked out for him. It was well-received by employees and employers alike when Kyle greeted them near the time clock. An hour into his shift, however, he was on the verge of being fired by company president, David Hastings.

“Aw, shit. Hastings is really laying into Kyle,” reported Denny Sloane, a chair assembly worker. “I think it has something to do with the recent order of end-tables that got sent back by the distributor. That’s a shame, too; he just got that shirt.”

The shirt was a last minute wardrobe change made this morning by his wife, Mary-Louise Spalding, who bought the shirt on sale earlier in the week. She told her husband to put away that raggedy brown shirt and instead go for the one she just acquired. “It’ll really bring out the blue in your eyes,” she assured her husband. “Maybe it will bring you good luck.”blue shirt

Kyle’s eyes were reportedly a moist periwinkle blue as Hastings deemed him, “an incompetent speck of sanctimonious shit.”

In the shirt’s defense, however, the mistake did occur days before Mary-Louise Spalding found it on the clearance rack at the local Ross store, where Mary-Louise prefers to dress for less. But it is irrefutable that company president David Hastings discovered the mistake while Kyle donned the new, slightly irregular shirt.

“I think one sleeve is longer than the other,” Mary-Louise told Kyle before giving him a kiss goodbye this morning. “Just a little bit. But I think it wicks away moisture, so that’s nice. Have a good day, honey!”

It is unclear on whether Kyle will wear the shirt again at all, let alone make it part of his regular rotation. As of this moment, Hastings’ spit and bits of his used breakfast are bombarding the new shirt with reckless impunity, testing the very limits of its “moisture-wicking” capabilities.

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