Citing his ’95 black Camaro as, “The only way to cruise,” Derek Rose, 34, of Cedar Rapids, Iowa sat back coolly, confident he had just impressed Jennifer Whitmore at their local Applebee’s restaurant during their first date.

“At first I thought he was being sarcastic about his car,” said Jennifer, 31. “But when I saw he was dead serious, I knew I was going to be in for a long night.”

“When people see you in a Camaro,” Rose continued with a wink, “They know. They know what’s goin’ on.”

“Our appetizers hadn’t even arrived yet,” Jennifer later complained to friends when she retold the story of her one and only date with Rose. “And he’s acting like I’m going to beg to take a ride in his car, as if it’s the goddamn space shuttle or something.”

The appetizers, or “apps” as they are called at Applebee’s, were the Grilled Chicken Wonton Tacos, as recommended by Byron, their overly flamboyant waiter.

“I thought the date was going great,” Derek later confided to one of his friends, an old High School chum nicknamed ‘T-Rod.’

“She had a killer rack, T. I mean, killer, bro! When I saw those [breasts], I immediately brought up the Camaro. I figured the least I will get out of it is a hand-jibber in the Applebee’s parking lot.”

T-Rod, upon hearing that Jennifer had large breasts, responded appropriately by saying, “Nice.”

However, the date took a turn halfway through when Jennifer unwittingly put Rose on the defensive when she asked seemingly easy lob-ball date questions, such as what he does for a living, where he lives, and where he went to school.

This blast of personally invading questions left Derek scrambling for answers. “She was being a total bitch, bro. She was sticking it in my face that she doesn’t live with her mom anymore and has a career and went to college and shit.”

The best deflective answers Derek could scrounge up was that home ownership, a career, and higher education were, “Overrated.”

When Byron asked the party of two if anyone was “desiring a decadent dessert,” Jennifer quickly declined and asked for the check.

“I wanted to split the bill with him,” Jennifer said to her friends. “I didn’t want to owe this guy anything, but then…”

When Jennifer saw that Derek was about to pay the restaurant tab with eight singles and an Applebee’s gift card, she figured she would just pay the whole thing.

“It went from funny to odd to annoying to just plain sad,” she later recalled.

Derek, who hasn’t received a hand-jibber in his Camaro since a midnight screening of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace in 1999, blames the bad date with Jennifer on a lack of preparation on his part.

“I should have worn my varsity letter jacket, T-Rod.”


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