In an effort to capitalize on the economic downturn, Greyhound Lines Incorporated has revamped its efforts to reach more customers. Included in the plans are cheaper ticket prices, new streamlined buses, as well as a new destination: Funkytown, U.S.A.

Above: the new Greyhound bus, streamlined and sleek for optimum customer satisfaction

“We are incredibly excited to offer options to travelers who can longer afford outrageous airline prices,” said Greyhound President David Leach. “We can offer all the amenities of the big airlines, like wi-fi connections and spacious seating, all at a whirling 55 m.p.h!”

It can be expected that a transportation business such as Greyhound will do what it can to reach out to customers its previously lost to faster travel, but what seems most perplexing is the announcement to make stops in Funkytown.

“The people have been asking for it for a number of years,” said Leach. “People want to move to a town that’s right for them, a town that keeps them groovin’ with some energy. I know we’ve talked about it, talked about it, talked about it, but now is the time to act.”

Greyhound patrons are ecstatic about the new move. Said William Hurst, 52, of Feasterville, “I’ve been wanting to go to Funkytown since I first heard about it in 1980. It seems like the most happening place in the world! Take me to Funkytown!”

But where is Funkytown? Greyhound will not disclose that information to the public. “If you’re not buying a ticket, we can’t tell you where it is, but let me just say, it ain’t in Texas.”

Details of the town are unknown, but theories arise that the colors orange, green, and brown dominate the color scheme, and afros (both black and white men and women) are prevalent amongst the townsfolk. Microwaves will be the size of an oven, and wood paneling will line your living room walls. It’s also assumed that polygamy is a dominate force, as well as “Key Parties,” where couples put their car keys in a communal bowl, and are drawn at random. Whoever picks your key gets to sleep with you. 

Above: artists' rendition of a Funkytown resident in her native living room. Presumably, the afro'd woman is high on coke after having sex with a mustached stranger.

Are you interested in visiting Funkytown? Details are available on the Greyhound website. Tickets run from $79 to $109 depending on your starting location. Funkytown. Population: you!