Greetings From the Nickelback Fan Club!
Greetings and salutations to all of you out there in the world of Nickelback fandom! As you may be aware, it is the month of May and that can only mean that summer music tour season is nearly underway, which means that Nickelback, in all of its frothiness, deciduousness, and godliness will be coming to a town near you!
However, this issue of the Nickelback fan club newsletter will focus mainly on the slanderous things being said about the band. Hopefully, together, we can dispel these nasty rumors and just get back to some hard-core Canadian rocking. So let’s take a look at what numerous blogs and news organizations have been saying about the greatest band since Ratt.
Chad Kroeger, lead singer of Nickelback, sings like he’s got a mouthful of dicks.
First off, from a strictly semantic point of view, it is really difficult if not impossible to stick more than one full dick in your mouth, ok? And then to assume that he, Chad Kroeger, can talk—let alone sing—let alone rock—while having his mouth full of dicks? Please. Through watching several hours of live concert footage and behind-the-scenes studio sessions, I can assure you that there was not a single solitary dick in Chad’s mouth when he sang. Rumor untrue!
Chad Kroeger wouldn’t know a good song if it shit on his face
Where to even start with this one, goodness! First off, let’s dissect this statement. “Wouldn’t know a good song.” Well, that is just absurd. Of course Chad knows what a good song is. Have you seen all of the number one rock hits he pumps out year after year? Chad doesn’t know a good song. Ha! Yeah, right, and Fred Durst doesn’t know how to rap.
Secondly, how does a song go about defecating on someone? How does a song, which is nothing but noise, manifest itself into a living being that can not only seek out and find Chad, but to also render him helpless while this being releases its bodily functions all over him? Rumor untrue!
Chad Kroeger falls asleep to the sounds of slaughtering pigs for musical inspiration
Well, that’s just…somewhat true. But it’s not pigs. It’s lambs. The slaughtering of little baby lambs.
Chad Kroeger sucks dick
Hmmm…I thought I had answered this accusation at the start of the Nickelback Fan Club Newsletter, but that only referred to what is in Chad’s mouth when he sings. This particular accusation refers to a dick being placed in Chad’s mouth for recreational purposes and not to improve his singing abilities. Look, it is impossible to know what a person is up to all 24 hours a day, even if we are talking about the biggest celebrity in the Canadian hemisphere: Chad Kroeger. He could easily go to a party in the Yukon with some hot babes, do some blow, then step into the bathroom and suck a quick dick. I don’t know, ok? I just don’t know. But I do know this: Chad Kroeger is not a homo. Homos are fags. Except for the ones who buy Nickelback albums. Those homos are alright. Chad ain’t no homo, but if he were to suck dick, I’ll tell you something: he would totally rock at it!
Next month we will return to our normal format and I will offer all of you Nickelback fans tips on how to live your Nickelback fandom to its fullest! Topics will include:
- The proper way to turn your bedroom speakers outward so the world can know how much you rock
- I will explain why buying 6 of every Nickelback album is a wise investment
- And I will teach you how to properly troll the Jr. High parking lot while listening to Nickelback music
Until then, folks, let’s just keep on rocking! And let’s keep buying those albums!!
Chad Kroeger, President, Founder, Head Editor of the Nickelback Fan Club
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