Due to Flint, Michigan’s recent contaminated water crisis, documentary filmmaker Michael Moore is sure to have risen from one of his nine palatial homes to “come to the rescue” of his hometown.

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“It was a risk we had to take,” said Joy Anders, an aide for Michigan Governor Rick Snyder. “We knew calling a state of emergency would arouse extreme leftist film-maker Michael Moore, but we needed assistance from the government.”

The 61 year-old filmmaker is known for his documentary Roger and Me, about Flint’s once-prosperous auto industry. He also made the movie Bowling for Columbine back when kids bringing guns to school and shooting everyone was not an every day thing. Critics have voiced that his “documentaries” are skewed to promote his leftist ways and often omit crucial information or edits sequences out of order in order to promote his own agenda.

Whether you like him or not, there is a great stirring in Flint, knowing that Mr. Moore is coming to town.

It is safe to assume that Michael Moore’s call to action begins with a rocking motion in his ultra king-sized bed, where he gains momentum with each turn until eventually he is able to spring himself from its comfy, yet restrictive confines.

He has already begun writing on social media platforms that the Flint water crisis is genocide against the black population of Flint, which compose 60% of the town’s overall population.

“That is a ridiculous claim,” said Anders. “Genocide? Whatever happened to good old political greed and laziness at a criminal level?”

As Mr. Moore lurches through town with a bullhorn to his lips, his floppy tits will sway approximately 12 inches left to right underneath his t-shirt, where his face and its complimentary chins will resemble more a melting candle rather than a human face.

“He kind of looks like a pansexual muppet with a whiff of Down Syndrome,” said the writer of this article.

“Yes, it is absolutely ridiculous, the level of incompetence and ignorance involved with this water situation,” said Anders about her boss and those involved in the situation. “But we need help right now and the last thing we need is a bunch of celebrities coming to town and saying, ‘This is not right.’ We know it’s not right, but thanks for your help. Thanks so much.”

To prove the level of political ignorance and stupidity involved, Governor Rick Snyder (The man responsible for allowing lower standards of water filtration which ultimately led to lead to be introduced into people’s drinking water, which causes all sorts of permanent, harmful shit to happen, especially in children) has chosen not to step down from his position, because fuck you, Flint.

Snyder said he wants to make it right, but there is no talk of resigning even after he does. On second thought, maybe Rick Snyder deserves Michael Moore in his life; tits, hats, and all.

 

Don’t be a pansexual muppet with a whiff of Down Syndrome! Download a FREE E-Book of funny essays written by the author of this article. Simply click here

 

This article originally appeared on Newscult.com