God Forgets To Tell Pat Robertson To Breathe; Robertson Dead At 79
Virginia Beach, VA- Pat Robertson, America’s favorite soft-spoken televangelist died late last night due to a brief lack of communication with The Almighty. According to reports, God had forgotten to tell Pat Robertson to breathe, resulting in his death.
“It’s just horrible,” said Robertson’s wife, Adelia. “We went to sleep after a good night with our gimp, and he [Robertson] never woke up.” The Gimp could not be reached for comment, as his leather mask was zippered shut.
At the behest of many prayers made by Robertson’s herd, The Lord issued a statement: “Aw, Christ,” reported the omnipotent being, responsible for such things as Razzles and Lite Brite. “I’m sorry guys. Look, I had a lot going on recently, what with the new Mountain Dew flavors hitting the stores and Windows 7…”
Atheists are celebrating the death of Robertson. “He was a scumbag,” remarked Scott Truant, a low-profile atheist, “The fact that God completely forgot to remind him to take a breath makes me believe in God even less, if that’s possible.”
Robertson’s highly profitable television show, “The 700 Club,” featured Robertson and his many controversial rants about such things as space exploration, feminism, and Halloween. The money rolled in, and Robertson catapulted himself to live on top of a mountain in Virginia.
There are suspicions regarding Robertson’s death, most notably, how can a man forget to breathe, and subsequently, die? Dr. Larry Muller, the man who pronounced Robertson said, “It’s the damndest thing, it really is. Most people who hold their breath long enough just pass out, and continue to breathe while unconscious. However, Mr. Robertson was an instrument of God, and could not make his own decisions. The fault here lies with The Lord.”
“Um, ok, wait,” said a back-pedaling God, “How about it was just my will that caused Pat’s death. Yeah, I willed it. ‘Twas my will. Or, wait—hold on, wasn’t it my lack of will that caused my will of Pat’s…shit. Now I’m confused…”
Adelia, or Dede, as she is known by her bankers, has said she will take time away from the show in order to grieve. “It’s just too soon to be thinking about the show,” she reported between frequent sobs, “But (sniff) don’t stop (sob) giving us money. Pat’s gonna need it (sob) if he’s going to get into Heaven.” Dede took a deep breath, “You can donate by calling the CBN main switchboard at (757) 226-7000, or you can go online to www.cbn.com and follow the links to donate, anywhere from 20 dollars a month, where you will be a member of the 700 club, or you could become a member of the Chairman’s Circle by donating 834 dollars a month. Thank you for helping in this desperate time of need.”