Garth Brooks Returns
Chris Gaines Kills Self; Garth Brooks Wanted For Questioning
Chris Gaines, the alternative rock singer, was found dead in a hotel bathroom early Sunday morning. According to reports, he overdosed on heroine and Fen-Phen.
The sole witness to the suicide was country rock god Garth Brooks, the man responsible for jumpstarting Gaines’ career in 1999. Brooks has been brought in for questioning and is suspected of killing Gaines.
“I made him, I can destroy him,” said Brooks while being escorted to police headquarters.
For those who may not remember, Chris Gaines came out of nowhere in 1999 under the guidance of Garth Brooks, who even took the obscure alternative rocker to play a set on Saturday Night Live in October of that year. After the release of a self-titled album, “The Life of Chris Gaines,” Chris Gaines seemed to fall off the face of the earth in 2001.
Apparently, Gaines had skyrocketed to stardom too soon and fell into obscurity at the turn of the century. His 2 year career was a tragic one, even though Brooks was to blame for all of Gaines’ sins: sexual harassment of hotel employees, drug use, infidelity, and battery. Gaines was never charged, only Brooks.
Strangely enough, Chris Gaines’ name had been peaking into the news recently after Garth Brooks announced his coming out of retirement. It seems that Garth Brooks cannot be spoken of without Chris Gaines being mentioned in the same breath. Also, nobody has ever seen Gaines and Brooks in the same room together, kind of like Clark Kent and Superman, only with no heroics and a much shittier soundtrack.
The country music fan base is abuzz with conspiracy theories regarding the death of Gains. Some even have the outlandish idea that Garth Brooks and Chris Gaines were the same person; a marketing ploy in order to sell more albums to a market other than country music that had failed miserably. The murder of Gaines is a notice to all of Garth’s fans that Chris Gaines will never return to the stage and ruin the Garth Brooks’ name.