For One Man, Life Peaked Atop the Aggro-Crag
Joshua Stevens, 27, of Richmond, Virginia, has claimed that his life peaked 14 years ago after winning a Nickelodeon game show called Guts.
“I can’t compare it to anything else in my life, present or future,” stated Stevens, who had recently annexed his parents’ attic in order to “Spread his wings.”
“Being on that show is the only thing I have not regretted in my life. I mean, I—scaled the fuckin’ Aggro-Crag! Who else can say that?”
Not many, apparently, but that doesn’t stop Stevens from being treated as a regular human being. “I scale the Aggro, and what have I got to show for it?”
It’s true. Joshua has no employment, not even prospects. “My dad tells me I shouldn’t even mention the show on my resume, let alone have a picture of the trophy at the top of the page, but he doesn’t know. He don’t know the respect you earn from even mentioning the trophy.”
His last interview for a marketing firm started with some basic skill questions, but ended with an angry dispute when the show “Double Dare” was mentioned by a prospective employer.
“Double Dare was for fags,” I told him. “Fags and old blue-hairs who don’t like a sense of adventure with their shows. I was about to undo my dress shirt and show him my red Guts jersey from ’92, but he said the interview was over.” Stevens did not get the job.
“Times are tough, I know that,” explained Stevens, “But there has to be some sort of hope for the elite Guts players out there. This trophy is equivalent to Superman’s green crystal from Krypton.”
When not polishing his jade trophy of yesteryear, Stevens ponders the idea of a reunion show. “Get the ol’ gang back together. That girl I played with, Allison, I think her name was, and that Asian kid. I pummeled the shit out of him in the Spirals competition. Man, we had some fun!”
Rest assured, if there will be a reunion show, it will be entirely up to Stevens to get the wheels rolling. “Mike (O’Malley) is busy with his sitcoms and whatnot, and Mo, well, I think she is doing a lot of voice-over work. But I’ll give them a call. Ya know, see what they’re up to.”
Vondrook reporters were about to end the interview when Stevens wanted to have one last confession of triumph. “I—I slapped Mo on the ass.”