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Stuart Scott, the obvious favorite of all ESPN anchors who have only one functioning eye, is about to unleash his favorite fantasy football players of the week all over your wanton face. And you will take it. And you will like it.

Stuart Scott is not in the mood for foreplay or light teasing when it comes to firing off a hot load of picks onto your ignorant face. Sure, Stuart usually keeps to covering the highlights of sports games in a most urban, stylish manner such as by means of a def poetry slam or an onslaught of nonsensical alliteration, but Stuart Scott sees something in you. Perhaps it is your rawness. Perhaps it is your grace. But he wants you to heed his word. And his word is, “Redonkulous!”

Stuart Scott’s picks will ease into you slowly at first, with a light observation of the Cincinnati/Cleveland starters, but before you realize it’s happening, his picks will be in you to the hilt with a massive criticism of the Packers secondary as well as a gutsy call concerning Dallas vs Philadelphia.

Stuart’s picks go deep, boy. If you are lucky, Stuart will advise you to turn over to bite the cool side of the pillow, which is now hardened and encrusted with Stuart’s former picks. After all, this is week 15. But Stuart will not apologize. You should be apologizing to him for not listening to him sooner.

And just when you think you can’t take any more beautifully unencumbered football insights, Stuart will rapidly fire the rest of his knowledge all over face like a souped-up potato gun and cake your eyes shut in his NFL Playoff picks. The way Stuart Scott sees it, you won’t need your eyes to navigate through the treacherous world of the NFL, only your ears.

This could all be yours if you listen hard enough to ESPN, the only station to become worth $40 billion dollars thanks to its numerous programs dedicated to male on male jerk sessions.

 

Wipe Stuart’s salty, bleachy muck from your eyes and download a FREE E-book of essays from the author of this article! Simply click here