After years of painstaking research and development in the laboratory, Dr. Jean-Louis Sebagh has discovered a brand new female insecurity of which no one had been aware.

“Discovering the insecurity was not easy,” Dr. Sebagh disclosed to this reporter. “The beauty and cosmetic industry has spent decades and countless billions of dollars decrying and shaming every physical aspect of women, and it’s an honor to be adding something new to the belittling.”

It’s true. The last insecurity to be discovered in women dates all the way back to 1963 when Dr. Philip Trayvon (also a man like Dr. Sebagh, coincidentally) locked himself in his laboratory for five months and discovered the cankle.

The cankle, an obese or swollen ankle that blends into the calf without a clear demarcation, became a household insecurity ever since Dr. Trayvon’s discovery, preventing women of all ages from wearing summer footwear, or at the very least, being painfully aware that their chubby ankles are being stared at by every nearby attractive man.

For Dr. Sebagh, however, the discovery of the insecurity is only half of the journey. “We’re all of course, very grateful for Dr. Trayvon’s tireless research,” said Dr. Sebagh. “But discovery is one thing. Exploiting the insecurity though…that’s the fun part; that’s the reason I went to Medical School.”

Details of Dr. Sebagh’s new insecurity is still very hush-hush, but he has given examples as to how he would like to exploit it to women everywhere. “It’s important to get a super-model whose photos have been airbrushed by professionals to tell all these women that they aren’t pretty enough– that’s step one.”

But pretty enough for what, I asked Dr. Sebagh. “It doesn’t matter,” said the doctor. “Just not pretty… enough. Understand?”

And what happens next for the medical doctor who wants to line his pockets? “Then I say I discovered, shit, I don’t know…some kind of rare melon off the French coast that stays fresh longer than a regular melon. A magical melon, if you will.”


This sounds very promising. “And I, like, extract the vitamins of this magical melon or some shit so you can look young. See? Isn’t this fun? Because your skin is exactly like the husk of a melon,” Dr. Sebagh said while miming a jerking-off motion with his hand, “humans evolved from melons, right?”

But Dr. Sebagh’s real enjoyment comes from finding a name for his magical melon product. “I like to go with something super-ironic, like Meaningful Beauty, a name that tells women their real beauty is only skin deep.”

So what can Dr. Sebagh tell us about the new insecurity? “I won’t be giving that information out for another two months, not until I ‘perfect’ the magic cream by speaking with my accountants, but this I can assure you: I’m going to charge a shitload. After all, it is a rare magical melon.”

When asked of if he would personally use his magic melon cream for insecure women, Dr. Sebagh scoffed and said, “Why should I? I’m a confident man.”

This article first appeared on newscult.com. The original link is here

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