Hey, honey. Can you come here for a sec? Here, in the bathroom. I’ve got this thing here…some sort of growth or pustule or something…

Wait. Close your eyes. Just follow my voice. Why not? Trust me. I swear it will be worth it. And no, it will not be like the “Dutch Oven” instance from last May. I cannot apologize enough for how terribly awry that went. This won’t be like that, I promise. This will be different.

Come on, babe. Where’s your sense of adventure? You know, you read all these chick magazines about how to spice up your love life and keep your marriage vibrant and here we are. Spontaneity is a-knocking at the door and it is up to you to answer it.

And if it is intimacy you’re looking for, well, look no further! This is a perfect opportunity sharpen our intimacy edge.

Honey, I am literally oozing with intimacy.

I’m not going to tell you where it is; where’s the fun in that? We could make a game of it. A sexy, fun, adventurous marital game. We’ll call it, “Does This Feel Contagious?” I’ll light a few candles, we’ll turn on some smooth jazz and you can tell me what the hell is growing on me and whether or not I can afflict others with it.

Now, hey, to be fair, I have offered to do your mammograms, but you were all, “I need a doctor to check,” and I could tell that you weren’t about to check me for shaft cancer, which is where the conversation was going to go inevitably, I’m not going to lie.

I honestly wonder where the hell this thing came from. The more it pulsates, the more concerned I seem to get. …No, not my shaft, I’m getting kind of serious now. I’m talking about this growth. Try to keep up.

Remember in the movie Creepshow when Stephen King came across that meteor and he turned into some kind of giant weed or some shit?jordymeteorshit

…Well, maybe I did come across a meteor, you don’t know. There was something in the back of the fridge that I couldn’t identify, but I didn’t eat all of it, just enough to let me know that I should throw it out. I’m just saying that the meteor shit in Creepshow was highly contagious and I just want to know what I am dealing with here.

Honey, if I go to the doctor, what am I supposed to write down on the form? “Growth with its own heartbeat, fear of becoming Jordy Verrel”?jordyverril

Okay, I know I am going to sound like a dick here, but you can either feel this now with your hand and give me your opinion, or you can wake up in the middle of the night to feel it rubbing against your shoulders. The choice is yours. Will it help if I turn off the lights?

 

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