Detroit’s new “Bullets For Guns” Program a Rousing Success!

Michigan– Local officials, along with volunteers from the Detroit Police Department have instituted a new program hoping to entice gun owners to hand over their weapons to authorities.

     The program is titled, “Bullets for Guns,” and is executed exactly how it sounds: Gun-owners, no matter how they have acquired them, can hand over their guns in exchange for a hand full of bullets.

     The move is a radical one, and most volunteer workers of the program are optimistic. “Unfortunately, the crime rate in this city is immeasurable,” said retired police officer Scott Loman, “and the old program, ‘Cash for Guns’ just won’t cut it anymore.”

     Scott has a point. The ‘Cash for Guns’ program proved unsuccessful when weapon sales skyrocketed after criminals handed in their old guns for cash and bought fresh ones with their new found riches.

     “Man, I handed me in 18 old busted up guns last year,” Rondell Yates, a local ruffian, told reporters, “and them cops gave me 278 dollars! So I got me a .45 magnum with a laser pointer, no questions asked! Those guns I handed in didn’t even work!”

     ‘Bullets for Guns’ has only been implemented for 3 months, but has already become more successful than the ‘Cash for Guns’ program. So far, the program has collected over 850 guns, from standard six-shooters, like the one Murtaugh used in ‘Lethal Weapon,’ to the more complex semi-automatic weapons like the one used by Murphy in ‘RoboCop.’ Because of the program, such weapons are now being voluntarily destroyed.

     The members of the local business community have given a resounding sigh of relief. Ambrose Kim, a convenience store owner on the west side of the city, and part time gunshot victim at the Hopkins Memorial Hospital, has embraced the program after his latest encounter with a burglar. “This guy came in around 2:00 in the morning a couple nights ago asking for all the money in the drawer,” he told reporters, “and when I said ‘no,’ he reached into his pocket and threw a bunch of bullets at me!” The bullets, which were suited for a 9-millimeter handgun, simply bounced off Kim’s chest, and the robber ran out the door. “I felt just like Superman!” he said.

     With a record number of handguns being brought to the authorities, the city council feels as though this program could be cast into many other cities across the country, and are now brainstorming other ideas to demote drug use and the spread of deadly diseases. Programs like, “Straws for Cocaine,” “Syringes for Heroin,” and “Condoms for Sex” have reportedly been brought to the discussion table.