Cheney’s Blood Eats Through Space Station
Space, Final Frontier— Former Vice President Dick Cheney visited the International Space Station yesterday with horrific results.
While floating from the Pirs Docking Compartment and into the Integrated Struss Structure, Cheney made a sharp turn on a corner and was cut just below his right knuckle, and his blood dripped onto the floor and through the metal.
Captain Dallas saw the incident and reported it back to Houston. “That crap’s gonna eat through the hull,” he exclaimed.
Cheney’s blood easily ate through the first floor of the Space Station as Captain Dallas, Brett the engineer, and Chief engineer Parker rushed to the floor below to witness Cheney’s blood partially dissolve the second floor before coming to a stop. Said Captain Dallas back to Houston, “I haven’t seen anything like that since, uh, molecular acid.”
“Cheney’s got a wonderful defense mechanism,” added Parker.
Upon reporting back to the Integrated Struss Structure, the crew found that Cheney had disappeared to an unknown location.
The crew is extremely nervous. Science Officer Ash has conducted a quick study of the dangling Cheney-flesh left behind and has concluded that, “He’s got an outer layer of protein polysaccharides. He has a funny habit of shedding his cells and replacing them with polarized silicone, which gives him prolonged resistance to adverse environmental conditions. It’s an interesting combination of elements, making him a tough little son of a bitch.”
At the time of this report, Ash has made a makeshift motion detector in order to search for Cheney. The instrument is keyed on micro changes in air density, which will hopefully be able to signal the crew if Cheney is nearby them, scurrying about.
Earth-based concern for the crew of the Space Station is nearly non-existent. Tom Young, a 38 year old resident of Ohio spoke for the rest of the country when he said, “I’ve always been a supporter of space programs, but my relief for having Cheney off of this planet drastically outweighs my worry for the astronauts. Good luck, guys.”