In this topsy-turvy world, it is difficult to get a bearing on what is real and tangible. For instance, you might not be aware of it, but Colonel Sanders was an actual person while Aunt Jemima is purely fictitious (and quite racist in origin); remember that the next time you’re dipping that fried chicken drumstick into a puddle of maple syrup.

Another problem most people face in their lives is distinguishing the difference between Bryan and Ryan Adams. This confusion will usually occur in an elevator where you are positive that you are in the presence of an Adams; you know that much for sure, but you’ll be damned if you can figure out which Adams you’re about to approach. Both Adams are musicians; both have the same last name. Here is a breakdown of the differences between both so as to prevent you terrible embarrassment and shame when approaching Mr. Adams in an elevator.


bryan adamsBryan Adams

  • Canadian. Most likely smells of maple syrup and universal health care
  • Bryan is a vegetarian, so he will resemble more a 6 ft. tall vagina than an actual man
  • Has same name as Ryan, but with an extemporaneous (and somewhat arrogant) letter “B” in front of it
  • Also enjoys photography, has thousands of disposable Kodak cameras in his house
  • Usually goes around singing, “Everything I Do, I Do it For You,” at the top of his lungs wherever he goes.






Ryan Adamsryan adams

  • Typically seen walking around with a guitar/smug smile
  • Was a strong user of speedballs (heroin and cocaine), so if your Adams is a corpse in the corner of the elevator, you most likely are looking at Ryan.
  • Ryan cannot stand country music, so naturally he has released country-influenced albums, because that is super-ironic and adds layers of complexities to his tortured soul while he sleeps with his wife, Mandy Moore, in their multi-million dollar home
  • So “Meta” it hurts.
  • Glasses have no lenses.


With any luck, when you encounter Mr. Adams in the elevator, you will have read this article and will be able to skillfully deduce which Adams you are about to insult with impunity, because let’s face it: would you rather be stuck in an elevator with Syphilis or Gonorrhea? Shoot, was there another Ryan Adams? What the hell does he do? Play baseball? I hope he walks around with a baseball mitt, otherwise, we’re screwed. How the hell can we… oh, fuck this. Good luck out there. ryanadamsbaseball



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