Brees Dedicates Victory to Birthmark
Bernard Spörk—humble correspondent
different story as Brees was overwhelmed with emotion during the Saints’ post-game/pre-Mardi Gras party.
“This is unfuckin’ real…oops, let me put these headphones on my baby boy before I say anything else,” exclaimed a tearful Brees. “I’m still fuckin’ flabbergasted. This championship goes out to my team, the city of New Orleans and most importantly, my birthmark.”
The all-pro quarterback was born with a massive mole on his right cheek, which is approximately the same size and texture of a caterpillar. At age 3, Brees’s parents considered having the mole removed, but decided against surgery after their family doctor guaranteed that it would only cause him emotional pain.
Brees believes the ridicule and scorn that he and his mole endured during childhood taught him how to turn the other cheek and face challenges head on. “Other kids used to call me “Herpbrees” and they’d try to punch the mole off my face, but it would always be there, hairy and defiant,” said Brees. “I gained a lot of respect for the mole–we grew on each other. The mole is now my biggest fan.”
That’s not to say Brees and the mole agree on everything. Brees admits that the two almost parted ways when he signed with the Saints in 2006. “[The mole] isn’t a big fan of hurricanes or crawfish, but it eventually came around and stopped oozing with negativity,” said Brees.
Now these two old friends are looking forward to celebrating the Saints’ first championship since winning the Louisiana Purchase Bowl in 1803. “It’s weird to think that just four years ago, 87.326% of New Orleans was under water,” pondered Brees while handing out beads to reporters. “Now, I’m about to make it rain at Temptations on Bourbon Street—lap dance for two, please.” The mole couldn’t help but burst with pride.