Jenkins! My office! Nnnnooooowwww!!!!

Here we are again, Jenkins. Have a seat. No, wait, stand. You stand, I’ll sit. That way I look like I am in a position of power. …But then why am I looking up to you and you down on me? Sit the fuck down, Jenkins. I’m going to stand. Pace! I’m going to pace.

We’ve had a number of complaints from your workmates, Jenkins. They say you aren’t focusing on your work. They say you’re writing shitty things about them on your blog.

I didn’t even know you had a blog, Jenkins. First things first: what is a blog? Never mind. Just tell me if it is something that I missed at the meeting while I was asleep and you were taking notes for me. It’s not? Good. Does this blog have anything to do with my responsibilities as a manager and will it affect my pay? No?

Then what the fuck are you doing writing a blog at work for, Jenkins? If it’s not important to me, then why in the holy hell are you worrying about it? What’s the website’s name? I got to see what all the bitching is about.

Where…where is my internet on this contraption? When did we get rid of Netscape? Jenkins, just load it up for me, okay?

Okay, I see your problem. You think you’re funny. That’s your first mistake right there. You’re not funny, Jenkins. And your spelling is atrocious. “Welcome to the Fleshlight Family”? I think you mean flAshlight. And what have we here? Well, no wonder your workmates are pissed at you. You have a post titled, “I Better Get a New Job Before I Post Anything About My Shitty Workplace.”fleshlight(censor)

Do you see how that could be a problem, Jenkins? Let’s see, you mention the devil-may-care attitude within the staff, the terrible hours, the low pay….Oh! I see here you have a whole page dedicated to some asshole manager who…”sits on his fat, greasy ass all day and does nothing but sweat while he naps in his office.”

Jenkins, why didn’t know you tell me you had a second job? Times are tough, I don’t blame you. This manager sounds awful! Napping all day? Sweating while he sleeps? He sounds disgusting! Doesn’t it amaze you sometimes when you see people in certain positions of power in an office and you wonder just how in the hell they got there? I’m always perplexed by it.

I’m sorry that you have to work two jobs to make ends meet. I know you deserve a raise, but, well, you’re not getting one. I will smooth things over with the staff that this is about the second job you work at and not this one. I can’t believe those fucking morons believed that you were talking about this wonderful place. But then again, some people just don’t know how good they have it. Maybe it’s time for them to start doing a little bit more with a hell of a lot less.

And hey! Close the blinds on your way out.


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