Billy Mays’ Autobiography Riddled With Exclamation Points
Billy Mays, the infomercial sensation, is planning to release an autobiography later in the year. His stellar beard, colorful wrist wear, and booming voice has helped companies sell millions of products ranging from household cleaning, to kitchen cleaning, to pipe cleaning, to jean cleaning.
To most Americans, he seems to have come from nowhere, only to enter our homes in the late hour of the night to yell at how clean we can make our kitchen tiles. But nothing could be further from the truth. Vondrook reporters were able to, through no legal means, gather together tiny snippets of the autobiography before it is released to the public.
The story of Billy’s life follows the guidelines of the archetypal American dream, starting with the opening line, “I was born a child of modest means!! And you can be too!!!”
The book explains in specific order the hardships he and his siblings had faced growing up in St. Paul, Minnesota, detailing how his parents, “Loved us unconditionally! My father was gone most of the day skinning pelts!! And my mother hardly had any time to spend with us!! And you can too!!!”
Follow Billy on his journey through the creative process of selling. “I had spent years working with different ways to hold the products!! And found that the most effective way!! Was to face the label toward the consumer!!! And you can too!!!!”
In the Fall of 1994, Billy realized that items could be sold more effectively if the person selling it wore a colorful watch to accompany the product. “So I spent my savings on this shiny orange watch and waited!!” the book reads. “I waited 6 long years, growing in my facial hair, when the product I was born to sell came along!! Orange-Glo!!” The rest is late-night infomercial history. “Most people think I invented the product!! But I didn’t!!! And you can too!!!”
The book is 289 pages, 84 of which are nothing but exclamation points. A must read for any cleaning or beard enthusiast!!!!!