Hey, folks! Come in! Come in! It’s so good to see all of you! Step right this way. I have a lovely meal planned for all of us. Let’s go through the hallway here and into the dining area where I have a full bar set up for us. Do you like the lights? I hope they don’t blind you: 100 watt bulbs. Sorry, but I like to keep every crevice of the place well lit. I don’t mind the high electric bill. lightbulb

Sorry, Samantha, I can’t turn them off. Trust me, you don’t want them turned off. …Well, just don’t look directly at the bulbs. Simple, right? Why don’t you go get yourself a drink? Bill, how’s that new insurance gig working out for ya? Are you highly…ac-claimed! Haha! Nyuk nyuk! I’ll be right back with the salads.

*Foot stomp!* *Crash!** Spritz spritz!* (Loud shuddering)

Salad’s here! Everyone sit, sit! Nancy, why don’t you regale us with that time you saw Sylvester Stallone walking across the street. He was really short, right? Like, tiny? Weird! I’m so glad everyone could make it. And to think, I was toying with the idea of cancelling. Oh, no particular reason, really.

Hey, did you guys know that a cockroach can live for an entire week without its head? True story. Because of their open circulatory system, they don’t breathe strictly through their mouth but through little openings all over its body. It will actually die of thirst first without its head. Weird, right? Anyone care for some more dressing?

Nick, didn’t you have an insect infestation at that place you moved into right after college? No? I could have sworn you did. That must have been someone else. Samantha, I’m just making conversation; you don’t need to read so spray bottlemuch into everything. I’m simply stating some factoids. Like, did you know that you can kill a cockroach with a simple spritz of soap and water? It’s true! The soapy water seals up the breathing pores of the roach and they suffocate within, like, a minute.

Nathan, I would not turn off that light if I were you. Then switch seats if it’s too hot near the exposed bulb. You ever see that movie Pitch Black, with Vin Diesel? Where there’s a bunch of creatures that only come out and feast at night? And there’s that one scene where that chick lights up the flare and all these things scatter back real fast? That was a good movie. An accurate portrayal, in my opinion.pitchblack creature2

What’s that, Nick? You said your salad tastes a little…”soapy”? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Another thing regarding insects: did you know that people eat insects as a delicacy in over 130 countries worldwide? Wait, hold on. Let me get the entrees.

(Frantic spritzing) (Sounds of personal struggle)

Okay, still a few more minutes on that lamb. But where was I? Nick, what do you mean you’re leaving? You just got here! I’m sorry for the subject matter; it’s just that I think if we as a country could get over our prejudices regarding our little exoskeleton friends….it’s less methane than farming livestock and just as nutritious, that’s all.

Samantha, don’t leave. I’m just saying that if you ever found yourself biting into a cockroach, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Bill, you too! Oh, come on! You haven’t even finished your salads!

Nick, your salad leaf moved? Now you’re just being dramatic. You’ve seen too many of those quirky comedy routines. Let me guess what happens next: my boss is about to give me the big raise I’ve been asking for, but first he takes a bite of the mobile salad, right? Right?? Well, I don’t see Mr. Shirley here, do you? And to be honest, I don’t think he’d mind a little accidental crunch in his salad.

I’m sure if you thought my kitchen was infested with kittens, you wouldn’t be running out the door, would you?kitten pile Would it help if I gave you all your own personal spray bottles with soapy water mix? Guys, come on, please! My boss, Mr. Shirley, will be here any minute!



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