charles_bukowski

Dear Mr. Bukowski,

I’ve been married to my husband for almost 15 years now. I love my hubby to death, but I just wish he was a little bit more romantic at times. We have a vacation full of apple-picking and antiquing in the fall and I would love to spice things up in the bedroom by then. What am I going to do?

Signed,

Worried in Warrington.

You will eat, sleep, fuck, piss, shit, clothe yourself, walk around and bitch.

 

Dear Chuck,

I’ve been stuck in the same assistant manager position for quite some time now, but I am too shy to ask for a raise. I was hoping that my work ethic alone would get me the bump I deserve, but now I see that I need to mention it to them myself. How do I get the confidence to approach my boss about the subject?

Signed,

Fearful in Frankford.

Meyers had once controlled the American Clock Company but drinking and a bad marriage had ruined him. He had to sell most of his stock and was now only an assistant manager. He had gone on the wagon and as a result was always irritable. Meyers was continually trying to draw Frank out and make him angry. Then he would have an excuse to fire him. There was nothing worse than a reformed drunk and a Born Again Christian and Meyers was both…

 

Dear Charlie,

You got to help me. I think my gambling is beginning to spiral out of control. I’ve been staying out too late, completely losing my sense of time when I’m placing bets. Heck, I even missed my son’s 8th birthday party because I was trying to rouse up some quick cash because I was falling behind and needed to recoup my previous losses. How do I break this bedeviling cycle?

Desperate in Des Moines

“…in the next race the four horse figures best and they are giving six-to-one odds…”

Victoria let out a sexy, “Oooh…?” She leaned over to look at his program, touching him with her arm. Then he felt her leg press against his. “People just don’t know how to rate a horse,” he told her. “Show me a man who can rate a horse and I’ll show you a man who can win all the money he can carry.”

 

Hey, Chazzy B!

I’m super-excited to sign my son up for his first season of summer baseball! I loved playing the game when I was kid, even though my own father was terribly critical and competitive and I do not want to repeat that same kind of harsh criticism onto my kid. Is there a way to allow my son to have fun while also learning and cultivating the competitive instincts one needs in order to be a well-rounded individual?

Hesistant in Hastings

I raised the Jimmy Foxx Slugger, came down with it and caught him squarely on top of the head. He didn’t drop. He just stood there staring at me. I hit him again. It was like an old time comedy movie in black and white. He just stood there and made a horrible face at me. I slipped out from behind the garbage cans and started to walk away. He followed me.

I turned around. “Leave me alone,” I told him. “Let’s forget it.”

***

Editor’s Note: Mr. Bukowski’s advice for his advice column was taken from his book of stories called, Hot Water Music (1983). If you would like to read a FREE collection of essays that are not nearly as good as Bukowski’s, but still desperately attempts to capture the hilarity of human awkwardness and misery, click here

This author’s article originally featured on Newscult.com