Gladys Lindstrom

Granule Publishing

PO Box 253

Hanover, IL. 61041

 

 

Michael Jenkins

252 North Keswick Ave

Glenside, Pa. 19038

 

 

Dear Mr. Jenkins,

 

This letter is written in response to your manuscript query titled, “Ask Me About My Grandcats.” We here at Granule Publishing are writing to tell you that we loved the manuscript and would like nothing more than to publish your book! Isn’t that wonderful? Go ahead, pat yourself on the back!

You are probably wondering what convinced us to decide not to pass this time, since you have written to us numerously in the past. Usually, when we see a book query such as yours, we immediately throw it in the trash after reading the first sentence, that much is true. But on this latest letter from you, we were thrown for quite a loop when we noticed that your submission had been laced with the most celebrative confetti we had ever come across.

Michael, usually my assistant Julie will throw out any letter that is lacking in creative energy, so when she raced into my office with your letter in hand and a trail of confetti behind her, I knew I had found my next David Sedaris. The use of confetti was highly original on your part and it really made me feel like opening your letter was indeed a celebration.

I wish more authors put confetti in their submission letters.

And the substance of your letter did not disappoint! Most submission letters are no longer than a single page, but I was so enthralled by your tone that I happily read your 11-page manifesto concerning why I should publish your book. The self-pitied haiku on page 4 was especially haunting as well as the 6th page that consisted of nothing but you saying, “please,” about 280 times in a row. I really felt like you were there in the room with me, begging and pleading to give your life some kind meaning. How did you do that? Amazing!

Michael, you’re so bold! And so bad! Yum!

If I had only one caveat with the letter, I would say that I could have used more elaboration concerning your night-sweats and pathetic love life. But hey, that would be like me asking for extra cherries on my cherry-topped sundae that already had a side of cherries! Nyuk nyuk!

From here on out now, Michael, things will be drastically different than what you are used to. The first thing I would like you to do is to go into your boss’s office tomorrow, politely ask him for a minute of his time, and proceed to respectfully piss all over his desk, because you sir, are going places!

And that plentyoffish.com profile that hasn’t seen any hits in months? Well, feel free to delete that poste-haste, because you will now have any woman you want! Go ahead—you like that meteorologist from the evening news? Have at it! For a guy such as you now, these aren’t even people anymore! They’re objects. Pick and choose, Michael!

Say, didn’t you once say that you had a crush on Karen Allen? Well, how about Karen Allen 1987? Sure, why not! Right in those years of sweet hotness between Starman and Scrooged? You don’t ask for much, Michael; just a nice home in Glenside, a Collie named Smeadley and Karen Allen 1987. Now that you are a published author, these things are easily attainable.

Michael, you are so talented.karenquery2

 

Signed,

Gladys Lindstrom

 

Michael, this now concludes your request to have an acceptance letter written to you (by you) from our company. As a self-publishing company, we accept all clients provided that they pay for our services of having their book printed and we expect your first payment to be in the form of check or money-order by the first of the month. Thank you very much for your business and we look forward to doing more self-publishing with you!

Signed,

Barry Radomski

 

Speaking of Self-pity/self-publishing, why not download a FREE E-book of funny essays written by the author of this acceptance letter! Simply click here