About Vondrook

By: His Ex-Girlfriend

You say you would like to know about the author of this website? Sure, I can tell you a few things. I dated this smarmy piece of trash for the worst part of a year and I think that I can enlighten you on the delusional self-proclaimed genius that is the writer of vondrook.com. I don’t know exactly why I dated him to begin with. I was in college when I first met him, we went out to dinner and he laughed when I ordered Fish Tacos. He continued to laugh for minutes on end, and I suppose in my young and naïve way I found him interesting. I thought he was trying to be funny. I thought that way for a long time.

When we started dating, I found him challenging and intellectually stimulating. But what soon started as flirtatious banter, I realized, was actually arguing. My god, the arguing. We would argue for hours, and not about things like religion or politics, or even our future together. No. Well into the early morning we would debate whether or not Gargamel would be more successful if he hunted Keebler Elves instead of Smurfs (he would), or if Spud Mackenzie actually was the original party animal (he was not). Do you think you would be able to survive Jason Voorhees if you just kept him in your sights so he couldn’t reappear behind you? Here’s a hint: who gives a shit?

Sexually, he was retarded. That’s about as politely as I can put it. Without getting too specific, let me just say that a woman doesn’t feel too alluring when her boyfriend honks on her boob for 8 seconds and then passes out for a few hours.

When he met my parents for the first time, he was two hours late. He later told me he got swept up in a televised showing of 1985’s Teen Wolf starring Michael J. Fox, and was looking for evidence to find out why the female lead character was nicknamed “Boof.” When he did finally show up, he only spoke lines from the David Cronenberg film The Fly starring Jeff Goldblum. It was as impressive as it was horrifying.

It wasn’t until we were having dinner one night when the veil of delusion was finally lifted. He began choking on his applesauce for, god, like, the 5th time, and I realized not only that he was indeed an idiot, but that also my self-confidence was non-existent. From then on, I have become a better, more self-assured person.

Artist's rendering of the editor
Artist’s rendering of the editor

So why are you here, on this webpage? I really don’t know. It’s funny, I guess? I mean, it’s funny if you don’t know him, let me put it that way. Otherwise, it’s just sad. Really, really sad.