A Family Apology
Hello, everyone. I would like to thank you all for coming over to our house this Thanksgiving. Martha, my dear, the turkey looks wonderful! I don’t think I have ever seen a bird as succulent in all my life. I can’t wait to dig in. But, before we begin this festive meal, I would first like to apologize to you all for my behavior the last time we saw each other.
Has it been six months already since the “Incident”? I suppose it has, and after that embarrassing display of anger on my part, the shame will not really go away no matter how long ago it was. I went to therapy for my anger problems, to identify the kindling for my fiery rage and after weeks and weeks of intense…well, never mind, I won’t burden you with my problems, but I would like to apologize.
Carl, I am sorry that I called you derogatory names six months ago. I was in a blinding fit of frustration and was later told that I called you such heinous names as “Beaver-Beater,” and “Canuckle-Head.” I always knew you were Canadian, Carl, even before you married my sister, but I honestly didn’t think it was going to be a factor when we were on the set of Family Feud. I was wrong, and I’m sorry. It took me by surprise that someone would say that in order to stay warm, one might put on their favorite… pelt. I would think sweater or blanket, but no, apparently when there is a chill in the air, we reach for our most recently killed squirrel or raccoon.
Great Aunt Phyllis, my god am I ever sorry! We had no idea that dementia was already setting in on your twilight years, and the set of Family Feud in front of the McDonald family as well as Steve Harvey was not the place to find out. And it certainly wasn’t the place for me to diagnose your condition as well as saying that you were faking it. I should have known better that your behavior was not a personal attack on me as well as an attempt to embarrass me in front of thousands of people. Looking back on it, after knowing what we know about your condition, Aunt Phyllis, your answers were quite comical.
If Uncle Richard were here, I would apologize to him, but he has not responded to any of my messages. Such is the case when you threaten the life of somebody when the points are worth triple.
It’s just…Family Feud is a really difficult show to get on, you know? The waiting list is, like, the length of my arm. Do you have any idea the hoops I had to jump through, the palms I had to grease in order to get us a spot? The producers decided not to air our episode (thank goodness!), but they did send me a copy. So, before we begin with this meal, I think it would behoove all of us to sit down and watch it and go over where each and every one of you went wrong. Martha, no, it’s ok. I apologized to you earlier after not speaking to you for those six months. We’re all good here. I just want everyone to see the embarrassment they caused me and themselves.
…Well, who’s holding the carving knife, you or me? That’s right: me. And I say we watch the tape. Carl, don’t try to start talking now, you’re only burying yourself deeper, you Eh-Hole. C’mon, let’s go to the living room. I’ll hold onto the knife, Martha, thank you.
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